WonderBlog

so, this is it.

I'm working for the first time in 2008.

What am I doing?

I started out the day by going to executive headquarters and powering on their conference equipment and putting it in a ready state.

One room was uncabled and a TV antenna had been hooked up. I guess maybe someone wanted to watch TV badly enough to bring their own antenna. NOT permitted.

I unhooked the antenna and recabled the system for it's intended purpose, VIDEO CONFERENCING.

Drove from Executive HQ to my actual office. Yes, I drove to work today. I would have taken the bus, and hopefully will do so tomorrow, but I had some equipment that I had to return. Monday I had a doctor's appointment (all good news, yay!) and I had a trouble spot near that medical building. So, on friday, I packed my car with the needed equipment and brought it with me so that on monday I could do the tests.

WHICH MEANS, today, wednesday, i had to take my car back to work to return the equipment I had used the previous work day.

My job involves a lot of shuttling STUFF around.

And so, today, I shuttled things to the office. When I arrived at my building, I took the equipment out of my car and put them in the van.

Then I went upstairs to the 3rd floor to my cube. I started my email and all other computer things...admired my GTD-style empty inbox. Well, it had one email in it. A survey about how my company is doing regarding diversity. In GTD style, I did the survey RIGHT THEN.

They asked some vague questions and then got really personal. No, I am not transgender. I feel secure in saying that.

Then had a long intense conversation with co-worker about politics, religion, euthanasia (one of his favorite topics) and suburban sprawl (another favorite).

During this long conversation I drank some wretched instant cofee..I have run out of the good instant coffe. I like the international coffees sometimes. You know, the kind that are powdered and sweet and milky? And I try to get sugar free and fat free, which reduces the yumminess. This one, the wretched one, it a generic brand of the reasonably yummy kind. I have NO IDEA what flavor it's supposed to be.

"Cafe Vienna" it's called. It is not chocolate. It doesn't taste vanilla. Or hazelnut or cinnamon...I can't really tell what vienna is supposed to taste like. If I go to vienna, I don't think I will lick it to find out.

I should throw the can out. It is my emergency reserve. I should have bought something yummy, like mocha or french vanilla hazelnut.

But I had the indefinable beverage and a banana.

I scheduled a work trip to antelope valley for next week. Handled some personal business. Bought firepit I've been admiring. Asked my Credit union to fax me a release of lien on the broken car.

I started to check other people's blogs, but then I thought I should write on my own!

hence this post.

I must go to Hollywood soon. I should have left already, but I am eating a rice and corn cake with a piece of soy cheese on it. MMMmm. When I am done with my little sandwich I will leave.

I am musing about all the things that are broken.

Oh yeah..I called our support contract people and asked them to send (again) the three tv monitors that were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

"They aren't there yet?"

"No, the guy from shipping said he had to call you."

"Why would he ask you to call me?"

"He didn't. He said HE would call you."

"oh. What was his name?"

"I dont' remember."

"Hmmm."

"could you go ask them when or if the TVs are being shipped and send me an email with the status?"

"Okay."

"Okay, Happy new year!"

"You too."

I changed the battery in our clock which had gone dead. I realized I need to clean the microwave.

When I was first here, I resisted cleaning the ferociously dirty microwave for at least 6 months. I knew that if I cleaned it I would always clean it, and I didn't want it to be my responsibility.

Responsibility. Like, the clock has needed the battery changed since last friday. YET! I am the one who changed it, today, Wednsday. There is a common saying, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." I modify that here at work. "If I want something done (at all), I have to do it myself."

Anyway, the microwave. I resisted as long as I could, but at last, my daily soup or frozen entree lunch was halted because of the smell. I could put something I intended to eat in the microwave that smells like that. I had to clean it.

Since then, I have come to terms. I microwave something almost daily. The others microwave only a few times a month.

So, maybe it is my job to clean the microwave. Since I use it most. I choose to ignore that before I arrived, the microwave began as wretchedly filthy.

That's my day so far. I have finished my rice cake. I should probably get to hollywood.

I wish you all a productive new year.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:05 AM | Permalink

Okay people, pay attention!

yes, this means you.

My job title is Senior Videoconference Engineer

I work on video conferencing equipment. I also sometimes help with audio conferences, and with web conferences.

ALL of those things can be correctly called "teleconferences" and none of them may accurately be described so.

the prefix "tele-" refers to distance.

A telephone is a device that sends SOUND (phone) over DISTANCE (tele).

A television is a device that sends PICTURES (vision) over DISTANCE (tele). Televisions also send sound, but that was old technology by the time television was invented so it got ignored when naming the device.

So, a teleconference is a conference that takes place over distance.

If someone calls me and asks for help setting up a teleconference, I immediately must ask them a bunch of questions that (to them) appear stupid.

"Do you want to have a conference in which all the people dial into a phone and can speak to one another and hear each other throughout?"

or

"Do you want to have a conference in which all the people are sitting in a room looking at a TV that shows someone in another city?"

I sound like a kindergartner because I have been placed in a position of redefining terms EVERY TIME the word teleconference is uttered.

Those questions do sound stupid, but the stupid comes from the question. Just because a word has 5 syllables doesn't mean it's meant to be used or that it makes sense.

A phone conference is a clear accurate phrase. Even a "telephone conference" is okay to say. A "television conference" is a phrase that never gets uttered. A telephone goes both ways, meaning you can talk and the other person on the other end can talk and you can both hear each other, so it seems right to have a conference (a back and forth discussion) using a telephone. But a television is one way. You recieve the video (and the sound) but you never send. So a "television conference", as far as I know, has never been used, and kinda doesn't make sense because when you talk to a TV you really don't expect it to talk back.

A "video conference" is the correct term. But because televisions and telephones are such common household items, AND because they both start with tele-...we in the business tend to call phone conferences AUDIO conferences. A whole other word can sometimes shock a L-user into rethinking what they are asking for, and when they have insisted (for the 5th time) that they want "a TELE conference" and we ask "An audio conference or a video conference?"...we use words that are not part of the television/telephone diad.

audio or video...take your pick

TELECONFERENCE, no
expunge this word from the dictionary. It is non-specific to the point of destruction.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 11:09 AM | Permalink

today is the two year anniversary of my current job.

wow.

If I make it one more year...and right now I feel like I will...that will be the longest I've ever worked at one job.

but that's a year away.

right now, I feel pretty good.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 03:04 PM | Permalink

So today, I had to work in a different station.

Two of us four were out. So i had to go up front and interact with the customers and my one co-worker.

Customers, I don't mind. My co-worker I don' t mind either, but he may not feel the same way.

See, I know this. I know this about myself. It is kind of a dangerous thing to leave me alone with someone for a long period of time. I know this, and yet it is very very hard to change the course of events.

Because eventually something is going to come out of my mouth. I don't know what I'm going to say. I start out in perfect peace and quiet, but eventually something is going to fall out of my mouth.

I've heard the maxim 'Never discuss politics or religion.' I don't think that is true anymore, but even so, I'm not likely to bring those two up.

I don't know what I will bring up. My head has a stream of thoughts running through it constantly.

And it seems unfriendly to just not talk for hours at a time. isn't a little light conversation a happy thing?

Of course, one person's 'light' is another person's collapsing black hole.

I know this. I know this. But I can't help it. And there is a part of me that feels like talking about what's running through my mind is a sort of conversational largesse.

Is it fair that I have a thousand interesting topics that spring to mind when a bit of conversation would be nice, while others have such a poverty?

How often must we discuss the same worn-out topics? Lunch? The weather? Traffic? please. I can do better than that.

So today, we talked about:

* Reforming Mexico
* the realism or lack thereof of the hollywood standards for beauty
* How the public's taste in female buttocks moved from flat to big over the span of the 80's to the 2000's
* whether people would accept an ugly movie star
* Plastic surgery
* the pain of adolescense and the cause of anoroxia
=who has is worse? boys or girls?
* how women are percieved in society
* Prices of houses in Hawaii

Now frankly, I knew I'd been holding forth for a while. I wanted to try to lighten it up.

so I said, "OK if you were an orphan, would you be more interested in finding your mother or your father?"

"I don't know. Both."

"Okay, because I was watching a show about Star Wars, and I realized Luke didn't give a crap about his mom. He was all about his father."

So we talk about this for a while, me thinking that this is about as shallow a topic as any I could encounter. Which is higher, a Jedi or royalty, etc. Until he says:

"STOP! You are NOT going to spoil this movie for me! I LOVE STAR WARS! JUST STOP IT."

Continue reading "the power to annoy" »

Posted by Murphy Horner at 03:45 PM | Permalink

Okay, so I'm an engineer. I do technology for a living.

and it is humdrum when it's something that I've done before.

But when I encounter technology...NEW technology..Something that I am supposed to know, to be responsible for and I'm the only one

it scares me

As in

my lungs can't quite fill
my head feels light

I look at that problem and don't have clue one about what to do

I don't know what to do or where to begin

and this monstrous vaccuum of knowledge will somehow swallow me and destroy me

...it's related to the steamroller...

What do I do? I pace around and try to figure out if there is an EXIT sign

usually not

then what I do is shotgun out as fast as I can to as many places as I can to find a clue

I talk to EVERYONE I see about it, look at the problem and poke at it from different angles, and google like mad

because somewhere deep inside I am sure that I will die if I continue to not know

I have some friends (why is it always the female friends?) who say frequently "Oh, you're so good. I could never do what you do. Technology scares me."

Well, it scares me too. But if it's the only path to get from where I am to where I want to be...

then, like a terrified person crossing a rope bridge over the abyss

I suck it up and figure it out

because I have to get there.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 08:16 PM | Permalink

I guess I'm having a case of the mondays.

">mmm....kayyyy? greeaat.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 02:55 PM | Permalink

Well, this is Death Valley after all.

if anyplace gives you a reason to look tough, Death Valley should be one of them.

I am wishing that I were tougher than I am today. My tonsils are sqeeaazing my voice into a small whisper or squeak.

I am pale and mostly weak. Which means that all the things I would like to be doing, I must forgo. No more working on the door refinish project.

I must REST.

and no cleaning out the house in preparation of the puppy.

I must REST.

"Can I take a rest from resting?"

"NO!"

but I can, while on hold with the telephony people here at work, admire the face of marshmallow man, making his tough I'm-a-cowboy face.

I can imagine that he will turn around and say "Howdy little Lady..." in his I-was-raised-in-L.A.-but-born-in-Texas accent.

It makes the hold music more bearable.

"...Thank you for calling the helpdesk. Please be prepared to provide your national user ID, a description of the problem, your computer ID and any error message on your equipment. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order recieved by the next available help desk representative...."

At least it's not the same hold music as they have for the conference-call line. This is classical music; the stuff from the conference calls is new age electronic music.

Well, I'm prepared, but the hold lingers on...

Posted by Murphy Horner at 01:37 PM | Permalink

Eagle Rock

Here's the thing.

January is upon us. The Christmas tree is down, and this monday marks the day of the return to school. For most schools.

That means that traffic will slow.

And the days are long and dark still. The festivities are over, and as far as my workplace is concerned, no company holidays until Memorial Day.

That's a lot of nothing.

But then again, aren't we all ready to get down to work? Buckle down and tackle some projects--start that diet, begin the get-in-shape program, whittle down the inbox, or whatever has been on your mind.

Hmm.

Didn't I do that last year?

Hmmm.

Not feeling enthused about facing traffic at 5:30 am tomorrow. But I've gotten used to going to the gym that early and now I can't even sleep in anymore.

But I've never been one to settle into routines easily. Maybe this one will need some adjusting soon.

I share this photo with you, because it is nearly the same view that I see out of my cube window. I am very blessed with a great view out my cube. And Eagle Rock is a pretty good rock.

This year, I think I'm going to try some totally new ideas for how to use my cube-time. We'll see how they work out.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Again.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 05:40 PM | Permalink

Is it just my stupid job? Or is it the whole of life?

This is what I learn from the eggheads. It's true, I'm not kidding.

If I start out at Point A. A dot, a spot, a point of beginning. I determine that I want to get from Point A to Point B.

No problem, right? I can see how simple it is. I set my course for a straight line between A and B.

But the eggheads chime in again. There are an INFINITE number of points between point A and point B.

NO END, EVER EVER EVER to all the stopping places on the way between my start and my goal.

and me...I want to stretch my strong motion muscles and go fast and full speed to B

I want to B!

Wait, no, wait. There is a reason I must stop. And as I resolve that stop, then another appears.

and they never end.

This is a law of physics. An infinite number.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 09:55 AM | Permalink

Delusion

This morning at work I had a run in with another strain of humanity.

I call them Mac people.

Don’t get me wrong. There are people who choose to use Mac computers because they are the best tool for the job they are trying to do. I don’t have any problem with that.

What I do have a problem with is that some people, the Mac people, think that Mac computers are a standard computer and interface with the PC world.

Presentations--with projectors and PowerPoint--these are the bread and butter of my job. And every time a Mac person steps into the conference room saying “This will be compatible” I want to throw them out and barricade the door.

But I am a professional. I usually laugh and say, “We’ll see.” I have never ever seen a Mac-based presentation work easily with conference equipment.

And the Mac people say, “Of course it’s compatible.” And we plug it in or try to open the file.

And the trouble begins. Immediately after the first sign of incompatibility problems, the Mac person will say, “No, it’s compatible.”

WHAT makes these people refuse to pay attention to reality? Do they think that repeating the statement will make it true?

And the next step is to persuade them to do a work-around. Are there printouts of the presentation? Can we make a PDF that will work on a Windows machine?

But, the Mac people will insist that the system is compatible. They will insist that it works, as if the proof of not-working right in front of them will somehow vanish if they just BELIEVE.

It’s not just denial. It’s a delusion. And in this case, the delusion keeps them from facing the facts. When they take their apple-flavored technology into a cold room with the Windows open, they need to be prepared. They need to think ahead.

Yes, the truth is, many things are compatible between the two worlds. Some things are not. If you are bridging the two, learn where the traps are and have a work-around. Macs love adaptors and special file extensions. Know this and have them at the ready.

Remember, it’s your technology, and YOU are responsible to make it work. You are the one from a different planet, and you landed here on mine. It’s not my responsibility to learn your customs. You’re on my turf now. I don’t have every cable and adaptor known to man in my closet. If you need one, bring it.

So, leave the delusion behind. Believing that it’s compatible is not enough. You must also have the tool kit and the knowledge.

Delusions are for de losers.

Don’t be a loser.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 09:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

There are times when I have a ton of things to do, things that are compelling and important and must be done right then. At those times I feel very busy and pressed.

AND YET!

Those same things are super boring. Dull and unintersted and make the time (that big chunk of time that is required) drag like gregorian chants on walkman whose batteries are dying.

it's been that kind of week at work. LONG LONG days of a ton to do and all of it boring and the time running at quarter speed.

I actually spend an hour putting on makeup this morning just to have something to do.

The sad irony of this is that it's the BUSY time.

ack.

maybe i'm a stress junky. Make more things go wrong so I have to concentrate hard on fixing them.

but no, I don't really want that. I just want the day to be over.

tick

tock

tick

tock

.....

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:50 AM | Permalink

The good news is, I've got my new (it's not a year yet, it's still new) job figured out.

The bad news is, I've got my new job figured out.

Well, I finally went and spent some time at headquarters, and fully mind-melded with those there. I feel like I picked their brains dry, and I know what I need to know. I also know when they are talking but really aren't saying anything.

SO. This means I have a clear view of the battlefield ahead of me, and can march on the enemy of disorder and chaos.

It is not a pretty picture, but I at least know I'm seeing the whole thing and can trust my own judgement.

The needle has dropped in the groove.

After 8 months of trying to understand what the heck I was supposed to be doing here, I now know. And it is a great relief to get working on all the chaos.

But...this means my Field Marshall personality is in full swing, and I want to start throwing myself into this project.

I like projects. But just because this one I have found at work is new and exciting doesn't mean that I should neglect my other important goals.

It's been kind of hard for me to write lately. Hence, my blog is suffering. I apologize for that, friends.

Bear with me. I am struggling for balance in my passionate pursuits.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've been saying that I like my new job, and I do. I still do even after 5 months. It's a kinder gentler world here, and I still don't quite believe that the candy coating is not covering some bitter pill.

But everybody seems happy, and not even creepily so. They complain about dumb stuff and behave like fairly normal people.

Yesterday, however, I heard about a new friend that had just quit. Man gathered up the pictures of his family and walked out with a wave.

Craziness.

He had even transferred here very, very recently, bought a home and all that. And he walked out with a wave. I am inclined to consider him a goober.

It stuns me, that dude would just leave. Isn't it part of being a grown up, to have patience and foresight to know that the bad times are temporary and not to make hasty decisions?

If you have to leave the job, leave it on your own terms. You can't just quit without a fight. Okay, so your boss/co-worker/customers are giving you problems. Face them! Deal with it! Come up with solutions and come out ahead.

Work problems, like automobile problems, do not go away if you ignore them. They usually pop up again at inopportune times. Catch them early.

Don't ignore the flashing red dashboard light.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 08:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's kind of scary...Here is the view at 2 from the office:

Posted by Murphy Horner at 01:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, it's been fun, but I just couldn't seem to be unemployed forever.

The papers and signed and I go to work for a very large and to remain unnamed company. They seem very nice, and the manager liked me enough to give me the job:

Senior Videoconference Engineer

I'm pretty happy about it. They actually have a really big team that makes conferencing happen, and they seem to have to right ideas about how it is supposed to work.

I know, I know. There will be irritations and incomprehensible rules and delays on all sorts of things. It's inevitable. But I am feeling good about this place.

For all of you readers who've been hearing about my life, that's the latest update.

I just have to make sure the lute doesn't get dusty. I'm committed to it.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 01:26 PM | Permalink

So, on friday it'll be two months officially since I got a paycheck. I am getting unemployment, and they gave me a BIG list of websites to look for work on.

For anyone who might benefit, here it is:

www.americanjobs.com
www.americasemployers.comwww.ajb.dni.us
www.caljobs.ca.gov
www.careerbuilder.com
www.careercast.com
www.careercity.com
www.careerexchange.com
www.careerexpo.com
www.careerindex.com
www.careermag.com
www.careermosaic.com
www.careershop.com
www.careersite.com
www.cweb.com
www.careers.org
www.search.com
www.collegegrad.com
www.cooljobs.com
www.dice.com
www.engineeringjobs.com
www.ecojobs.com
www.usajobs.opm.gov
www.fedjobs.com
www.flipdog.com
www.futurestep.com
www.globalcareers.com
www.headhunter.com
www.helpwantedpage.com
www.hotjobs.com
www.jobbankusa.com
www.jobcenter.com
www.jobfind.com
www.jobhunt.com
www.jobline.com
www.classifieds2000.com
www.jobsmart.com
www.jobtrack.com
www.latimes.com
www.lawjobs.com
www.monster.com
www.nationjob.com
www.netline.com
www.net-temps.com
www.quintcareers.com
www.socialservice.com
www.techweb.com
www.theworksite.com
www.topjobusa.com
www.taonline.com
www.trc.doleta.gov
www.tvjobs.com
www.webcrawler.com
www.worktree.com
www.worldhire.com
www.classifids.yahoo.com/employment.html

Posted by Murphy Horner at 11:13 AM | Permalink

From (former) co-workers:

"Good for you"

"You will be missed. You were a breath of fresh air"

"We will miss you more than we know"

"You were one of the ones I really cared about."

"Say it isn't so! Oh, Murphy, what are we going to do without you? Oh no!"

And from my mother:
"I'm so glad! I was really worried you were going to end up in the hospital..AGAIN!"

And from the mouth of that human amalgamtion of sugar and solid gold-my boyfriend chris:

(On the friday that was my unintentional last day, as I was assuming the fetal position and crying into a pillow)
"I'm very glad you left. I couldn't be with a woman who would settle."

(later that same night when the sobs had turned back into smiles)
"We're going to have to follow you around with mops and sponges. You will be leaving puddles of creative juices wherever you go!"

Thank you, all my friends. For being the wonderful people you are and recognizing the extremely difficult but right thing for me to do. Or even if you didn't understand it, you were generous with your big hearts anyway. I won't forget you.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Hey everybody. I gave my two weeks notice at work. Done and done.

There is so much I could say about that place. I could talk about why I left. But you know? I think I'll wait until I'm really done there.

For now, I think I'll talk about what I'm going to do now.

For you, my blog readers, are about to get a lot more of me. I'm going to be posting a lot. I love to post here everyday. I can do that again!

I am taking my own life back for me. I am not taking another job for a while. I am going to finish my book.

This is a gonna be a great year.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:55 AM | Permalink

Watching the West Wing, the other night..a rerun...They talked about the process. That the outcome was tragic, but at least the process was preserved.

You know, all systems are based on process. I'm huge on process. I love good processes. But when people become involved, and they don't agree on the importance of the process, it won't work.

Things will be done, but not according to the process. Which means the outcome will not be reliable.

It's a matter of deciding on what it the most important. You have to have a consensus to abide by the rules. But if some of the people think that there is a different thing that is more important, it brings the whole process down to a standstill.

I think it's kind of amazing that America is the place where we most rely on process to get things done:
Democracy

and yet it's quite possibly the country that values indepence more than anybody else.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 11:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

oh my goodness. They are running an open miked questions and answer debate.

That's such an audio nightmare....ugh

I fell sory for the people that had to set that up. What a nightmare.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 06:10 PM | Permalink

So, I'm trying to be part of a team here at work.

Actually, I'm resenting the fact that I am NOT part of a team. This should not be so hard.

Ever remember those group projects that were required in school? That's where you had to form a group to do a project or a presentation, and it was some fat percentage of your grade.

What always happened with me is that I cared about my grade. I wanted the project done well and I wanted to get an A. SO we would all get together and talk about what needed done and who would do it.

THere was the person that called the meetings. THere was the person who just agreed with whatever everyone else said. There was usually one or maybe two people who didn't do a darn thing.

Now. That hold true through life. This really had nothing to do with whatever subject we were learning. It was all about 'Who's the loser?'

I used to think that the people who didn't do anything were the losers. But you know, I didn't pay enough attention.

Who's really the loser? The one who doesn't have to do any work? Or the one who does all the work for other people?

What harm does a low grade do anyway?

If we are playing that game, the one where it doesn't matter who shows up as long as the work gets done, then why must I be the one to show up?

I am the loser.

See previous post

So...I basically have to have some kind of faith that the loser is NOT the one that does the work. In a purely temporal world, how could it be otherwise?

THe sucker is the one who gets stuck with the hard stuff.

Except I do not believe that this is a purely temporal world. I believe in higher things, like higher standards. Pride of accomplishment, a job well done, knowing that I did my best.

Boy, do I ever believe in knowing I did my best. I cannot sleep at night if I even think there is a chance I didn't do my best.

That means i see beyond the moment, beyond the short term. I have a larger context within which I place the choices I make.

So. What is the context that the not-doers place their choices? Do they feel there is another consequence beyond getting out of doing stuff?

Let me tell you, there may not be. If this work environment does not dish out a consequence, then there isn't.

So how does teamwork happen?
In my case, it doesn't.

In my opinion, consequences are important. But not everyone sees it that way. Some people seem to want to avoid consequences and protect one another from them.

See this post.

This sort of thing rolls around in my head, and I wonder if I really am clinging to outmoded rules of the universe.

Maybe I need to have a talk with ol' Nick.

You can't fight the way things are. You can only work with it. Maybe you can work with it to improve it, but working with it is the only way.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm beat. Work made me work really hard, and I spent the week away from home. I am done now, and I am even taking monday off.

It took three trips to this location to finish. The first time, I stayed with friends. The second, I picked the cheaper hotel, and I rejected it. Too much graffitti nearby. It was a barely revitalized motel.

This time, third time, I got to stay with the top dogs in the nice hotel. I even snuck out to the hot tub at the end of the day, and it was wonderful. I sat there in luxury, staring at the beautiful stars. I was a little bit grateful to the firm for giving me a chance to stay at this pretty hotel. I would never have paid that much on my own.

And then I thought about how i had rejected the other motel. It was more expensive than I would have chosen to pay, too. I wondered if the top dogs would have stayed at the motel. They might have found it objectionable. We find a lot of reasons to complain about what our firms provide for us.

If I don't have to pay for it, I might as well insist on the best. It costs me nothing.

I wondered if the top dogs would have chosen less luxurious surroundings. I thought, maybe not. They do make more money than me. I wondered if they also felt that they could insist on the best from the firm, and if they also felt like it costs them nothing.

Because it does cost everybody something. The money to pay the bill comes from somewhere. It just seems so removed and far away that it feels free. At least it does to me.

But for the top dogs, the partners, they have a share in what happens. They own the firm. It's their money going away to put an expensive pillow under my head. Do they realize that? Or do they also feel very removed from the costs of doing business?

The movie "The Corporation" talked about corporations making the businesses that we do gets to be further and further away from consequences. That leads to irresponsibility.

And that made me think that all of us, all of the people from our firm were maybe, behaving like children. Someone else, we don't know who, would get the consequences of our choices and actions.

Someone else will handle the bill.

That can't be good for business.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:52 PM | Permalink

So I was listening to the radio today. Flipping stations to find music, and not just people yapping.

KISS fm was talking about a new poll that married women 2 to 1 are in favor of Bush for President, and that single women are in favor of Kerry. Ryan Seacrest took a call from someone about it.

HE brought it up, remember.

Lady gets on and says: "I am a married woman and I do NOT want to see Bush as our president." She goes on to explain, quoting something from Cheney and drawing some fairly well-thought out conclusions.

Ryan says, "I appreciate your passion, I appreciate that you have taken the time to find out about this issue and that you are going to go out and vote. That is very admirable. I'm also putting you on my list of people never to piss off under any circumstance!"

That pisses me off.

Mr. flash-of-the-fashion-moment brought up politics. And then he basically tells her to back off and not care so much, 'cause it's excessive.

I get this response a lot too. I care about whatever I do. But I get this feeling that it is intimidating to others. Like, you can only talk about something if you don't get too excited about it.

It's not COOL to be passionate about things that everyone else in the room is not equally passionate about.

I find this frustrating. Why is this lock step necessary?

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I try not to talk about my job very much. I try not to think about my job off the clock.

I am so much more than what I do to make money. And yet I spend more time trying to make money than I do sleeping. Big huge chunk of life-time.

This blog, and other creative things I do, is supposed to be a refuge. But there are things happening that make me think.

I think I blogged about Life of Pi. Maybe I didn't ...Anyway, dude was writing about animals in a zoo. He said, the animals needed to know where they were in their social heirerarchy so that they could feel secure and concentrate on getting food and sleeping.

Very subtle things let them know who was on top, whose roar they had to listen to, etc. And once they knew they could relax. But until then, it was first order of business.

The floor I work on has been re-organized. All the cubes are shuffling. And they are building new offices with DOORs. But those aren't around yet.

The amount of trouble that moving should cause is much bigger than the sum of it's visible parts.

THings are breaking, women are crying, and MANY MANY tasks on other floors require two people right now when they only took one before.

Low voiced conversations are up and down the hall.

And also, no one knows where anyone is anymore.

We've asked for a new floor plan.

SHH! it's a secret.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:27 AM | Permalink

I met with a colleague who works across the street from me. It's hard to find people who do what we do, so it's pretty exciting when we can meet.

How funny is that? Don't all multi-national companies do conferencing? Video conferencing is part of a lot of businesses. But we still don't get noticed. None of the job sites have "Video Conference Adiministrator" as a possible job category.

Stealth Career.

So one of the things my neighbor wanted to talk about was how to get Mo' Money. An extremely worthy topic. He wanted to triangulate, find out what we video people are worth. He has a certificate...I've been thinking about getting one. And we chatted about possibilities.

He kept saying, "don't get the wrong idea..." when I was being very honest about my strong desire to make as much money as possible.

I am making less than I have, that's for sure. What do I come to work for, if not to make as much money as I can with my time? Sure, the free coffee is nice, but it's really about the paycheck. Let's not kid ourselves.

Dude had been working at that same firm for 10 years.

TEN YEARS. Holy Crap. That's crazy. My dream is to keep a car for ten years. Not to work in the same compeny.

He was surprised to hear that I had moved around in my career as video guru. I told him, that is the only way to get the big pay increase.

TEN YEARS.

I'm a little too restless. I have "grass is greener" syndrome. And it's not just the money, although money is very important. It is also the challenges. I want new projects, I have to have stimulation. Repetitive think injuries can happen. Do the same thought process, with no changes, you atrophy.

Or in my case, get cranky.

That being said, staying in one company has a few advantages. Companies have figured out that it's cheaper to underpay people for years and years.

Dude had 5 weeks vacation. WOW! I would love that.

And I bet he didn't worry about being let go.

I don't ever trust an employer. I've participated in too many layoffs. why not me? It's a possibility.

So I'm always on the lookout.

But some people just stay. I hardly know what to think about that.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 08:55 AM | Permalink

Sometimes the last thing you would ever do turns out to be exactly the right thing.

I went to HR today to talk about my issues with being used for target practice.

I've always been afraid of HR. I've always been afraid of asking for help. Any help is always with strings attached; that's how I feel. And I never know when those strings will be pulled.

But I had nothing left to lose. I was a walking wound, and I just couldn't deal anymore.

So I figured I'd go.

It worked out all right. I feel much better about the situation. They didn't make me confront my oppressors, they mostly just talked to me and gave me some advice about how to proceed.

It's good just to be heard, sometimes.

I have a feeling this happens a lot at this firm. Peopple have to come and cry in HR to get over the mean people who run the company.

Well, it makes it much easier for me to go on the vacation I am leaving on tomorrow. I'll be able to go ahead without the lingering demons of work.

THANK GOD!

So, because I'm bringing my computer on this vacation, i will probably be able to give some posts about my trip.

Stay tuned.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 08:24 PM | Permalink

I read Candide by Voltaire long ago. I thought it was incredibly funny, and it was hard to believe it was meant to be philosophy. It was so funny! All these crazy things happening to these people. One good thing then all of a sudden all these bad things.

It was for a class, of course. We were trying to figure out what made this philosophical. The teacher said, "Someone suggested that the actual number of bad things that happen to the characters is exactly equal to the number of good things...I havne't counted, though."

And that makes me think. Still makes me think. How many good things does it take to be equal to a bad thing? Really...Equivalency is what I'm talking about.

If someone says, "You have a nice smile"
is that an equivalent counter-balance to someone else saying, "Your breath really stinks"

Those are kind of equivalent, maybe. Depending on who says it and when.

But how many, "you did a good job"s does it take to make up for "We're very disappointed in you"

It may depend on the person.

Here's another one. People who do customer service get this all the time. Teachers too. When you have that customer, that person you are assisting, or student go ballistic on you. When they threaten to call your manager, tell you exactly how you are failing them, accuse you of some mishandling of a task....

And you have to stand there, take it, and speak in a calm voice explaining the situation and getting some necessary response/information from them until you are at last released from their tractor beam of displeasure

you are released. You kept your cool, you handled the crisis.

How long does it take to recover?

It takes me a while. It leaves me shaky and vulnerable.

It makes it harder to help that person. WHy go back to the source of pain?

How many good nights sleep does it take to get over the adrenaline rush of someone's accusation?

What's the equivalent?

i try to find satisfaction in a job well done. My reward is in recognizing that I did a damn good job.

I'd rather not take the bullets. I'm tired of being the target practice.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 06:10 PM | Permalink

Went to New York. Work trips. They are not usually so fun. It's an experience, to travel. But all experiences are not pleasant.

Work trips are...well...experiences.

I was interesting to swim like a fish through the masses of people in times square. It was interesting to see how they live and eat and get around.

It was interesting to drive by Queens. I was interesting to drink the coffee and try a cannolli.

But I didn't really do anything fun. I drank a lot, because people there drink a lot. Well, the people I was with there drink a lot. Realize, a lot to me is a cocktail and a glass of wine.

I think one evening I had two cocktails and a glass of wine.

That was the evening I had fun. I got to go see The Village. Greenwich Village. THe one that is supposed to have it's own style, counter culture creativity.

I went to a famous place:
CBGB's

I guess a lot of counter-culture bands got to play there before they became THE counter culture bands. I missed the Smiths, The Ramones, Blondie and The Police the first time around.

I remember the Grunge movement. Which, when I say that, everyone thinks is Nirvana. But that's not what I remember. I remember listening to the local college radio station, and hearing music like I'd never heard before. I remember bands with weird names like Lucy's new Fur Coat. I remember going to a couple raves, and coffee shops where people wrapped embriodery threads around strands of hair. I remember wearing flannel shirts and my boyfriend's torn jeans because I had nothing else to wear, and being cool because that was "alternative."

I had trouble remembering who Nirvana was. But I loved the alternative scene. I often wondered what else was going on...Was alternative really alternative if it was the only happening? And there were categories of alternative..."Goth" and "Industrial" and "college"....

THAT is what I thought about when I went to CBGBs

Maybe it's still alternative in the Village. Maybe it always will be.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 12:48 PM | Permalink

So today I had to help a bigwig with a webconference.

I like webconferences. I wish we used them more. I was happy to help this guy.

But earlier this week, I was having meetings with some managers that were supposed to assist me with my conferences, with the set up. Their staff was being assigned to do what I've been doing.

I explained to them how the program is currently set up. I told them how the different people set things up for the conference participants. One of the managers said,
"It sounds like we aren't placing very many demands on the participants"

Yes, well...That's a problem. I would like them to learn to do it, but I don't believe they will retain the knowledge. ANd I want them to use the stuff. So maybe we just do it all for them, since they are blithering idiots, not able to find a power switch, let alone handle the more complicated aspects of the equipment.

We in the Info Tech department have a low opinion of the abilities of the end users.

Another of the reasons we have a low opinion of the end users is because they have a low opinion of us. It is held in varying degrees, but at times it is flagrantly evident that they consider us blithering imbeciles.

We are not allowed to be as evidently scornful of our "superiors." But here on the lower floors, we often wonder what exactly they learned in the 8 years of college to enable them to hear the same explanations of how to UNLOCK a docking station before removing a laptop 10 times and still not retain it.

However, they did go to school. Theoretically, the attorneys we have here are the cream of the crop.

Back to the webconference. I was helping this attorney learn how to use webex. He completely and easily grasped it. He explored it, just the same way I would. He was not a blithering idiot!

It was strange.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 01:32 PM | Permalink

You know, I've been re-evaluating my life somewhat. I don't know why I call it RE-evaluating. I seem to do it without pause, really.

I am increasingly tired of what I do to make money. I feel like I have a lot of other things I would prefer to spend my time on. For example, I recently got my piano tuned. I am really enjoying learning new songs, and playing old ones.

What is this job thing for, anyway? Yes, I have to have food, shelter and clothing. And don't forget the mathoms, all the pretty little useless items that catch my fancy, that I just have to have.

or maybe I don't. Maybe I can get along with a heck of a lot less than I think. I went out to a restaurant last night, because I was too tired to cook and I didn't have much in the fridge anyway.

If I hadn't been to busy to shop or too tired to cook, I could have saved a lot of money.

Maybe.

As I was driving back with Chris from Marie Callendar's, he asked me about Christmas music. "What kinds of music means Christmas to you?" He was thinking of buying Christmas CDs.

Thinking about it, my family did not buy Christmas CDs. But every Christmas had music! We just made it ourselves. Either we had an instrument to accompany us or we didn't, but we always sang together.

What a beautiful thing! Think about music, just for a minute, as a beautiful thing to collect. It doesn't take up space, it doesnt' cost money. All you have to do is remember to sing.

And it lasts! It's not something you regret, like a too-rich dessert. But it makes you feel good for longer than it takes just to sing.

What else is like that? Maybe playing a game, and I mean a real game that you make up, like peekaboo, with a child or a friend. Doesn't cost a thing, doesn't take up space or clutter your life.

Spending some time giving love...kisses and hugs, the best things in life, really, are just the same.

I wonder if I could tip the balance, make my life full of the non-cluttery things, so full that I don't have time or space for the physical things. That might eliminate the necessity for this daily pay for daily work stuff.

Maybe.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So, there's this new guy. He was hired a couple weeks ago and seems nice enough.

But he didn't come in last friday. And he didn't call to say why. And he's not here today either and he hasn't called.

Here's a situation. What should we do?

It happens the boss was out last friday. He's in today, and I'm the one that called attention to the absence. Boss knew nothing about it.

He starts asking everyone if they had heard anything.

Here's the funny bit: The guys all start backpedalling and trying to cover for the new guy..."Oh he said he might not come in on friday"

funny. So the boss calls the home number.
"Oh, this is not really where he lives, I will try to find out a better number for you."

wow. This is new.

Now, I hope nothing is wrong. I suspect nothing is wrong.

But if nothing indeed is wrong, then what's up with all this helping the guy cover up?

My upbringing was NEVER lie, NEVER try to get away with anything, and NEVER help anyone who was doing the above.

Good little Christian school children are taught that if they do anything, even the SMALLEST thing wrong they are sinning and deserve to go to hell, in fact they WILL go to hell if they don't repent and have Jesus in their heart.

And if you cover up for your friend, you are not being a true friend because you are just helping them GO TO HELL!

So pretty much, there was a mad dash to tell on anyone that did anything wrong.

This is yet another example of how Christian schools do not prepare you for the real world.

In this real world that I now inhabit, it seems that there is an unspoken understanding that you cover for the guy. I didn't know that you could get people to cover for you under these kinds of circumstances. This means that I can be a lot more cavalier about my duties, should I ever decide to be cavalier.

But I wonder why people cover for other people? is it in the hope that they will in turn be covered?

I guess. You never know when you will screw up or slack off somehow and need people to help you out. I screw unintentionally sometimes, no way around it. But to intentionally screw up. Wow.

I have never trusted people to help me out. I always assumed there would be the mad dash to tell on me.

That's what I was raised with.

Interesting.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 09:36 AM | Permalink

Working hard on long days. It makes me kind of giddy.

After the tenth hour at work, the guard comes down and you say things that you might not have said.

It's kind of fun, but then, I wonder. Is it GOOD to break down the professional barriers?

Do I want these people to know me personally?

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So...My job presented me with a problem yesterday.

Why are problems never low-profile? All the head cheese and pimento loafs were in on this problem video conference.

and my boss (three levels up) was in the call too..He said to me "We need to do something about these problems. I never had these kinds of failures at my previous companies."

Oooh...Lemon juice in the paper cut...It was bad enough that I had a problem with the equipment. Now it's MY fault.

It was stinging all night.

Eeegh...

I spent all morning (after setting up another call on the SAME equipment for the head cheese and his pimento loafs...) writing out all the sub systems within the larger system that I am nominally in charge of.

I pointed out where all the weaknesses were and wrote out suggestions for what could be done to change them.

Most of what needs to be done involves more work for me. And I can't keep up.

Since I am at work writing this blog entry, I suppose that might be hard to believe. But it's true. Somethings, even if I technically have extra time, are out of my control because I don't have the right AMOUNT of time.

I do the best I can.

But, that disappointing situation yesterday made me not feel like blogging.

And I don't really feel like blogging today either, because I feel like moping about my failed conference.

But I guess that means I write a mopey blog about my problem.

The one good thing about the situation is the bad part of the situation: Things don't get fixed until they are broken. I would not really call ONE failure BROKEN, but then that depends on how fault-tolerant you are.

Head cheeses are pretty fault-intolerant. THe loafs are more fault-tolerant, except when in proximity of the Head Cheese, at which their fault-tolerance reaches negative levels; that is, they begin to find faults to "solve" when faults do not actually exist.

SIGH.

So...! I took my Three-levels up boss for what he gave me and said, YEAH, let's work to fix this stuff. Break out the brass polish and try to get what I need.

We'll see what happens. It's always dangerous to be NOTICED in a big corporation, but this could work out to my favor.

Hence the long writing out of what the system consists of and what needs help.

The two-levels up boss just walked by. He says he will be talking with me about it.

GULP. nothing ventured nothing gained.

Wish me luck.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I got to work early today. There were some European time zones that had to be reckoned with.

But even so, I couldn't sleep very well because I was worried that I had killed one of my plants.

A favorite plant.

What can I say? Some things wake you up at 4 a.m. At that hour, it is hard to put things into perspective.

But honestly, I am still worried about my plant. I hope it makes it.

Anyway, I've been here since 6:45 and I'm running out of steam. I'm supposed to go replace a piece of equipment that is malfunctioning intermittently. I've been supposed to be replacing it for a couple weeks. It will be kind of hard to do.

But not that hard.

I am apparently fabulously lazy. It would probably worry me less just to take care of it.

But it would take effort.

And I don't want to make any efforts right now.

What I really want is to go over to the vending machine and buy that butterfinger that is in C34.

It's been waiting there all day.

But I'm trying to eat healthy.

Is it really impossible to go through my day without this butterfinger?
Perhaps I should go get it and be done with it.

Or perhaps I should go get the key to the storage room that had the equipment I need to swap out in it.

And be done with it.

Or maybe I should tell myself that I get to have the butterfinger as soon as I'm finished with the equipment.

But I don't really want to deal with the equipment.

I have a feeling that I'm not going anywhere.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 02:08 PM | Permalink

You know, I've had to be at work at 7 a.m. every morning this week. That's not so unusual, but today I have to stay until 6 p.m. or even later.

I thought I would drive my car.

Driving at quarter to 7 in the morning is kind of nice, traffic is light, and it's pretty. Usually I get to the parking lot and think, "I could have left even later."

This morning was going to be a little tough; i had two video conferences to launch at the exact same time, on two different floors.

Launch time was 7:30, so I was glad to be getting to work early.

In my pretty car, listening to the first broadcast of NPR's coverage of the bombings of Iraq, I pull onto the 5. ooh. Backed up. I listen to the traffic report, and nothing is mentioned.

Typical. They never talk about where I am. I guess that means traffic everywhere else is WORSE.

I am hopeful that when I pull onto the 110, the traffic will be faster.

I have a lot of time to cherish this hope. It's 7 a.m. before I get on the 110.

There are a lot of very pretty wildflowers at the exit right now. I got to examine them in detail.

I also thought about the fact that I had no back up for the two conferences I needed to start this morning. NO one else was in today.

I made it to my parking space at 7:30.

RUNNING up to the elevator, my cell phone rings. It's the New York site. "Murphy!" my tech says. "Someone has pulled all the cables out of the back of the video unit! I don't know how to put them back!"

I tell her I"ll call her when I get up the room. On the elevator, I try to figure out which conference is what, and which one that New York room is involved in.

Clever tech, she figured it out by the time I got up to the room. With just a few minor adjustments, she was up and ready.

She says, " I don't know WHO would have done this, they had to get all the way behind the equipment to pull it out."

"Michelle, " I said. "It's terrorists."

Next on the list:
Find those folks who didnt show up and/or didn't turn on the equipment. THere seemed to be a lot of them this morning.

I have to check on the other room, the one located a floor below. I dash off to the elevator and punch the button. I feel a little silly, thinking I should have just taken the stairs. Just as I start to try to think about where the stairs even are, the elevator opens, and I jump in.

It's the wrong elevator. I figure that out when the doors close and I drop fast to the ground floor.

So I rush out, get on the RIGHT elevator, and move into the next room.

My cell rings again: "we don't like the conference room we are connected to. We want to move to another one."

Fine, okay, just tell me which one.

*Ring*

"Um? hello? I think I'm supposed to do something with the video?"

"Yes, you are, actually. Would you mind going to the room that you were supposed to be in a half hour ago and turning on the equiment? Thaaaaannnkkksss.."

"Half an hour? I can't do that...I turned the TV on..."

"Yes, but you do need to turn on the actual video conference equipment. Do you know how to do that?"

"I guess..."

"Okay, why don't you do that, and I'll talk about showing up for the half-hour set up later..Okay? GOOoood."

Now they are set up, rush back upstairs, get that one set up. Oh look, the main speaker is completely blocked by a chair positioned in front of the camera. But before I can tell him, the introducer guy starts in:
"Okay, let's get started already..."

when he pauses, I have to jump in.

"Hello, this is Murphy Horner. I'm the Video Conference Administrator. Could the persons in Silicon Valley just step around the table and move the chairs directly in front of them and the camera? I'm sure the folks in this conference would prefer to see more of you, and less of the chairs. Thank you."

They were good sports, they moved the chairs.

Shwew.

Thank god.

I'm finally set up.

I walk downstairs, very slowly, waiting for the adrenaline to seep out of my body.

Yikes.

What a morning!

I'm gonna eat my yogurt now.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 09:41 AM | Permalink

(This is cross-posted)

Some days I go to work, and I can smile at people. We exchange pleasantries and stale jokes in the coffee room.

It is easy to forget that none of them want what's best for me. NONE of them.

In a perfect world, we would all work together towards improved efficiency, lowering costs and bettering service.

This is not that world. Everyone has to watch out for their own interests.

And that's not such a bad thing. Who is the one most qualified to watch out for your own interests than you? really, the scheme is an excellent division of labor.
In the system, NOT looking out for your own interests would really be letting your employer down.

A book that I picked up at a trade show after a cranky and frustrating morning at work reminds me of my duty to look out for number one.

What Would Machiavelli Do? the Ends Justify the Meanness

It's pretty silly, but sometimes I have to remember that I am not among friends. I am among co-workers.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 02:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I had to go to a sales demo thing this afternoon. I was kind of looking forward to it. Polycom is a good company, and I knew they had some new stuff.

They had a raffle at the end. I had almost left, cause I had a conference to kick off. But I didn't leave and I'm glad.

I WON LAKER TICKETS!

Lakers v. Celtics at Staples Center.

I get to see Shaq and Kobe in person!
From the VIP suite, even.

This is my fourth season as a lakers fan. I was introduced to them by my cute boyfriend. I was a huge SNOB about sports. Sports, as with all TV, was only for the loss masses who didn't read.

SNIFF

But my cute boyfriend could read, so my theory was on shaky ground. He said he could intruduce the sport in such a way that I would enjoy it.

At first I thought that it was good, because it was couch-cuddle time. But he had been a fan for long enough, he knew all kinds of detais about the players. He told about their lives, and introduced the drama to me.

I am hooked now.

I like to give different players nicknames. Naturally, anyone who is not a Laker is assumed evil. Stoudemire of the Portland Blazers is the Sodomizer. Ostertag of the Utah Jazz is Osterwuss. Reggie Miller is so amazing to look at. I think he is beautiful, every single sinew in his body is visible to the naked eye. And he is FAST! I call him the Ethiopian chicken, because of that joke i heard in grade school: "what's the fastest animal on earth?" He is honorarily un-evil because I love watching him move.

Of course, the former lakers I have known still hold a place in my heart. I think Lue (aka Glue) is adorable.

Shaq and Kobe are the stars of the Lakers. But I have respect for the other players. Madsen is the dork, but he's a serious player. Old Man Horry comes through when you need him. Fisher has lost his headband. What happened, man? I hardly recognize you! But he's very nice to look at too. He always looks very serious, and he has those big round muscles. He's solid.

I was very sad when Chick died. It's not the same without him.

And I have been creating a theory that Phil Jackson's little underlip shock of white hair is his attempt to evolve into baleen. It's quite useful to be able to eat plankton!

Well, I could go on. But I'm quite excited about the game. The 21st! In the VIP suite. Yay me!

Posted by Murphy Horner at 06:29 PM | Permalink

I have a job, and I am pleased that I have a job.

But there are times in any job that are less than pleasant. Times when you are faced on all sides with a Catch 22.

So today, I had a lot of those.

But the thing that took the cake...My Own Personal Point of Pride...Yesterday, a local deity asked me to write some instructions.

I lay aside the fact that to create these instructions is to create and distribute a sharp pointy stick than is meant for poking me.

It had to be done, and I understood why. A global deity needed appeasement, and it took this sharp pointy stick distribution plan.

Fine.

BUT! When I carefully WROTE the instructions, the local deity carefully took the beautiful succinct clear phrases and instructions and made them longer, more confusing and ugly...hoh..

it is one thing to write something badly, and never get around to finishing making the writing better.

I do that practically every day on this blog.

but to take pretty, crafted words and MAKE THEM WORSE ON PURPOSE!

it wounds me.

It wounds me more that I must send them out as if they were my own. It's like wearing a sign that says "i'm stoopid"

SIGH

In desperation, I was avoiding the situation. I was surfing.

I found this letter.

I think it's a very beautiful thought. Beautiful thoughts are good. And I wanted to share it.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 04:07 PM | Permalink

So, the Head Being Over All held a conference today.

No, not the higher technology, higher maintenance video conference that I usually deal with.

This was just a regular phone conference.

But he is not a regular guy. He's the Head Being Over All, let's not forget.

The boss asked me to make sure that the conference went well.

"You mean check the phone to make sure it works?"

"Yes, and do whatever it takes."

I would make sure that phone dialed. It was in a video conference room, which means they would call me anyway. Fine, I went up there. I pressed the button.

BUZZZ

yep, the phone works. But hey, I'll go the extra mile. I'll even dial the number for the Head Being. Why not?

I punched in the phone number. All good. Everything's fine.

The Head Being and all the sub-beings entered. Naturally, the Head Being did not acknowledge me. Some of the lesser beings did.

It was funny to hear them make fun of each other's ties.

Well, the Head Being was apparently appeased. The phone worked. Good for me.

And he has another call tomorrow. In a different city.

The boss wants me to go help with this other conference.

"You realize that I am not a phone expert. All I can do is punch in the number."

"That's fine. You should go."

After our boss left, my cube neighbor said, "Now your're stuck with it, Murphy. They'll never be able to use a phone without you.

This could work out for you. If they have a telephone conference in London, you could get a trip out of it."

I smiled maniacally and air-dialed a phone.

"I am the Corporate Finger."

I'm putting it on my resume.

EXPERIENCE:
Corporate Finger for Head Being-30% travel

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My friend Tantek made a list of what he did for his first day back at work in the new year.

He took a much longer holiday than I did. Must be nice!

BUT he also worked a TWELVE HOUR DAY upon return. GEEK!

This is what I did on January 2nd, my first day of work in the new year:

*Got in at 8:30. Habit. It's nice to come early, so I can leave early.

*Check my email. Both work and yahoo. Yahoo comes up faster and is more interesting than my work email.

*Noticed that one half of my co-workers were gone.

*Went to coffee room to get coffee and Microwave my Kasha cereal

*Ate and drank the above.

*Called all the telcom companies who my company uses and who are irritating me.

*Ordered a new cell phone for someone.

*deleted the 5,000 odd spam emails that were in my Inbox. Including one about a teenage girl and a horse that I REALLY wish had not passed in front of my eyes.

*Answered my personal email

*Started a really interesting email discussion about which movies of the '80s were great, and why films buffs ignore the '80s so much

*Did some other work stuff

*Answered a phone call, giving answer #32 of my arsenal, describing the difference between a phone conference and a video conferene. "In a phone conference, you use a phone and you only hear the other participants. In a VIDEO conference, you see the other side. There's a TV in the room, and it talks to you."

*Started a video call

*Surfed

*Deposited my paycheck

*Checked my bank account online.

*Perused my Y-T-D totals sadly, contemplating that taxes were only getting worse and that I made a lot more last year.

*Watered my plant

*More work stuff

*Left kind of late, because I was waiting for a phone call about the next day's meeting.

*Worked 9 hours

I've left a few things out, but that pretty much covers it.

I think in my next post, I'm gonna lie.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:40 PM | Permalink

Here I am, in a beautiful hotel in my former neighborhood. It was so strange, to leave from an airport that I have never seen before and arrive in an airport that is so incredibly familiar.

Taking trips, plane trips, were so out of the question when I was small. I had been on a plane once, when I was five. But the rest of the time, planes were as far away as the moon. No money, no open door, no flight path.

So, when I got older, flights were very possible. I am nervous in airports, but I LOVE to fly.

And I was excited to leave from Burbank, to find out what this new airport was. It is kind of disappointing. San Francisco airport, the one that I know, that I have memories and stories in, is much nicer.

And here I am, in the shadow of the Transamerica pyramid, in this beautiful, amazing, creative, energetic, sexy city that I love so much.

It’s not MY city anymore. I’ve never lived here. But I lived for seven years in the San Francisco Bay Area...The Bay Area…That means that San Francisco is mine.

Well, the first few years were full of unhappy memories. But the last few years were the best in my life.

It is hard to think that I am not part of here anymore. Here is very much a part of me.

I live in Los Angeles now. And I really do live in Los Angeles…I live and work right in the middle of the city of Los Angeles. I am part of the city.

But this city is not really part of me. I don’t have so many stories here. I am still trying to grok this huge sprawling city. I am bewildered and intimidated by the highways and the styles. I am trying to understand what I should be afraid of; who I should be afraid of.

Everyone says there are things to be afraid of here. “Haven’t you HEARD of Compton? Don’t you know about Watts? And East L.A.?”

I think it’s sad that I have to learn to fear like that. But I do know that I, one person, cannot change decades of segregation by ignoring it. I have to be smart.

It takes a while to get used to a new place. I’ve moved enough to remember that. I have more experience, and I know that.

LA seems like it has a lot to offer. I have more to offer too.

I’m glad to be out of the bay area. There were too many bruises on the map, even though I had shining moments and places.

I’m happy to be in a place that I can make my own, now that I have more of my own to make with. It just feels empty until then.

I guess I’ve moved from a place I’ve grown out of into a place I haven’t grown into yet.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's monday, and I stayed up late last night catching up on all my house chores.

So I am very groggy this morning.

I am considering whether or not ambition is evil.

One of the reasons I am thinking aobut this is because an old friend of mine recently started working at an Indian Casino.
Times are hard; he is a uber computer geek, but he can't find work. So he got what he could.
He said, "it's amazing to think about. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to, but many of the workers here are completely pleased to have the job, and say things about how stable it is, and how great it is."

It occurred to me that Indian culture is not expansionist. They are not like McDonald's and Starbucks, they don't necessisarily feel the need for more more bigger bigger all the time.
You might call that lack of ambition.
Or you might call it enjoying what life has to offer.
Food, clothing, the ability to appreciate your family and friends-that's really something.

What does ambition get you?
More money, less time to spend it.
Maybe not even more money. Depends on your ambition. I've known enough start-ups to know it doesn't always bring more money.

The angel of light (aka Lucifer) had ambition. Didn't do him much good.

Don't get me wrong. My ambition to do more and learn more has served me well, it's brought me a lot of good things.

But when is enough enough?
How much do I need? When should I stop?

In the Garden of Eden, what use was ambition? Maybe Adam and Eve spend a hard day working on the hedges...So that they could appreciate them the next day? That means they took the next day off.

It is easy on a monday to think that having to get up and work all day is evil.

Posted by Murphy Horner at 07:02 PM | Permalink

PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A VIDEO CONFERENCE ADMINISTRATOR

EPILOGUE

The radio was giving me a report about the stock market, and my eyes blinked awake. I looked at the clock. 4:30 a.m.—right on time. I lay in bed a moment longer, waking up.

My clothes were hanging on my doorknob, chosen the night before. I had showered before I went to bed, so I could slip right into my clean and pressed business casuals.

I fixed my hair and brushed my teeth, looking closely in the mirror at the red capillaries in my eyes. Almost ready.

The laptop and books I meant to read during this long day were packed and ready by the door. My lunch and breakfast were waiting in the fridge; I put them in my backpack. I stopped to pet my cat, who purred instantly when I touched his soft fur. Poor lonely kitty. I should pet him more, he is so