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November 30, 2003

WRITING

Man, I haven't written a thing in my blog all week.

Sometime, it's just too much.

I had to do a review (actualy two reviews, but who's counting?) for the newspaper I write for. Now, to tell you the truth, I am really happy that I write for this paper, although I have some feelings of ambivalence about it's quality. Even so, I feel like my ambitions are still burning when I have this place I write for.

BUT IT WAS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to write the review. It's not that hard to do, normally. I just have felt under so much pressure. I felt completely incapacitated, like I oculdn't write One single word. A sentence was too much.

"What?" you, my dear reader may ask. "You've just popped out several paragraphs right now, without a single whiff of agony."

Indeed. This blog has no pressure at all. No discipline is required. There are more kinds of writing than one.

I finally finished the review, and it was a scanty one. I said nice things, but i just couldn't quite hit the 400 word mark.

Isn't journalism supposed to be concise?

Yikes. Well, I did finish it, and I did get the main points across. Some times, even doing the things you love, takes more effort than you can muster. Now that I've finished it, maybe i can beat back some of the panic that seemed to be overtaking me about all the things I have to do.

I think I am looking forward to january already. I think some things will ease off. I sure hope so.

Well, I will get through it. I'll be stronger for it too.

November 21, 2003

The Bell Jar

Sometimes I think I should write two book reviews. I should write one when I'm in the middle of reading a book and I don't know how it will end. And then I should write one after I've finished it.

Because a book is an experience. It's not an entire thing. You can feel one way about it in the middle and very different at the end. The middle is often the best part, it's like being on the rollercoaster. The end of the book is what you remember about being on the roller coaster.

The Bell Jar was amazing because of how it pulled me into the emotions without me realizing I was in the middle of them.

I'll tell you, books pull me in. I felt sick and scared and weird when I read Beloved. The Fountainhead makes me cold and fierce and ambitious. I cried for days and days about the state of the world after I read The Poisonwood Bible. My speech pattern change entirely when I read Sense and Sensibility; I require far more clauses to ask for a cup of tea.

And Plath sucked me into the bell jar. I was there with Esther in the middle of all her strange feelings. Plath doesn't go into huge explanations of why Esther feels pointless, so I didn't realize when I started feeling pointless too.

But oh my god, I felt pointless. Everything seemed incredibly overwhelming. While I was reading the book, I had no desire to do anything. I felt like blowing off all my responsibilities and just curling up in a chair and reading.

I feel that way sometimes. It didn't seem unusual that I felt that way while reading this book. But when some challenges showed up at work, they practically undid me. I felt like I totally couldn't handle them, like there was no way out, that I was damned if I did and damned anyway. My stomach tightened up and I felt like crawling under my desk and hiding.

It was intense.

I blame the book. I mean, my job sucks, but wow.

And that's why I think this is a great book. I didn't feel fabulous reading it, absolutely the opposite. But the fact that it could operate on me so powerfully takes my breath away.

Plath is good.

So that stuff I just wrote might have been the stuff I would have written if I hadn't finished the book. Now, after I've finished it I can say all kind of detached things.

Plath wrote a good story about suicidal urges. I have not been that kind of suicidal myself, but my frieds who have describe it in a very similar way. That suicide is a thing out there, a task to be done, something that needs to be done, and it's just a matter of finding the right time.

When Esther recieves the "good" shock treatment, she describes how she kind of forgot that she needed to kill herself. To paraphrase, she says she went to dinner and could not quite remember what she loved the knives for.

I don't know if other people would agree with me, but as I was reading the book, it seemed very easy to follow the logic Esther was using. It was hard to realize she was going crazy until she gave you the clues: she hadn't slept for a week. She hadn't bathed or changed her clothes.

The bathing part I felt was particularly significant, since she had earlier described how much she loved bathing. But then, she didn't want to bathe anymore.

It was definitely not pleasant to read this book, but it was very powerful.

November 18, 2003

I Drather

It is getting dark, and I am still at work.

I woke up this morning to the sound of my cell phone ringing in the wee morning. Someone in a different time zone needed my help. I sprang out of bed to answer it, heading out of the bedroom and into more cell-friendly areas of the house.

But I immediately hit my head on the door.

I didn't know I'd closed it.

And the man in Uraguay is telling me that he can't make a connection because no one is there, and I am trying to ask him how he knows that no one is there if he hasn't made the connection.

And I can't seem to figure out how to open the door. Is it locked? I lock and unlock it several times before I realize that I can't open it because I'm leaning against it.

But at that point, the cell reception fades entirely and the phone connection is lost.

I sit down on the couch and call the other person whose time zone it is and tell him what he needs to do to take care of Uruguay's problem. Problem solved.

And I'm awake. And my head hurts a little. Might as well get over to the office.

I've got to find a better way to make a living.

SONG FOR THE MTA

YAY! THE BUSSES ARE BACK!


People get ready
The busses are running
Don't need no picket signs
Just get on board
All we needed was patience
To hear the diesel's running
If you run out of health insurance
Just Pray to the Lord

November 16, 2003

Kabuki Dancer by Sawako Ariyoshi

This book tells the story of Okuni, the woman who started the tradition of Kabuki dancing. I know nothing about Kabuki dancing. I couldn't pick a Kabuki dance out of a line up. I'm sure I would have gotten more out of the book if I had known about Kabuki.

But even so, the story is a really great story about staying true to yourself and to what you know. I mean, a lot of stories are out there about "Doing the right thing." But when it's an asthetic choice, there are not such strong guidelines. The difficulty of staying true to what you FEEL and know in your heart to be beautiful and right, that is worth a lot.

Beauty and dance are very important in life. They are the sorts of things that make life worth living. Okuni's life is inspiring, to stay true to herself and her art.

November 13, 2003

The Road to Mecca by Athol Fugard

This is the most amazing play. So much is going on.

South Africa has a lot of issues, on top of all the normal issues every human society has. The story of Helen, an old Afrikaaner living in her house in the bush, is faced with the problem of whether to go live in an old folks home.

But Helen is an artist. SHe has been making fabulous artwork, sculptures on her land. SHe calls them Mecca. Her friend, the only real friend she had, met her because of the beautiful statues. THey were drawn to one another because of the meaning of the art.

The troubles in South Africa, the treatment of women and blacks, and what art means in human life- all these are what make up the story. It's dark and beautiful and powerful.

November 11, 2003

The Man in the Moon

Boy, this is a real tear-jerker. I didn't know that when I started though; it just came on TV when nothing else worth seeing was on. It seemed like it was a sweet teenage love story.

And I kept thinking, "I've seen that girl before...Where have I seen that girl before? Turns out it was Reese Witherspoon in '91, playing a 14 year old. She was pretty young, and I thought she was pretty good in the role.

TOTAL chick flick, but I enjoyed it. The pace was very slow and nostalgic of small town farm life. If you need a cry, this is a good one.

Reasons why I don't like our school system

"As long as learning is connected with earning, as long as certain jobs can only be reached through exams, so long must we take the examination system seriously. If another ladder to employment was contrived, much so-called education would disappear, and no one be a penny the stupider."
-E.M. Forster _Aspects of the Novel_

November 10, 2003

Westside Connection

Westside Connection has a new album coming out. Some hardcore gangsta stuff. Terrorist threat, the call it.

I heard a piece on the radio, I can't quite remember what it's called. Pimp the nation I think. Now, I'm not such a fan of pimping. But then, pimping is just one form of economic activity.

Check out this lyric:
My Hos wear Thigh-High boots
My Hos wear three-piece suits

Hmm...I think that's clever. I think that' exactly the kind of deadeye gaze at the world that's worth thinking about. You'd think we knew by now...Why pimp hos when you can pimp CEOs?

Hard Core. Plus, the track is excellent. Westside Connection does it again.

November 09, 2003

Under Milkwood by Dylan Thomas

I have the written version of this and I also havea recorded performance. It's a play, so it's nice to have both. It's a different thing, reading a play versus seeing it performed. Both have merit, but in different aspects.

Dylan Thomas is a poet, and his play is appropriately abstract. It's basically taking a day in the life of a Welsch town (remember, Thomas is Welsch) and writing about all the characters and dreams in it.

I reminds me of Spoon River Anthology, in it's scope of characters. But the people move in and out of each other's lives throughout the day. It is a very sweet look at what could be describes as the author's hometown, showing the foibles and meannesses as well as the aspirations of the people who inhabit it.

t's a little confusing, but I think if you let go and flow with it the experience is very uplifting. I think it shows a love for the brotherhood of humanity and a great sense of humor.

The Graduate

This movie endlessly cracks me up. I wish I knew if it was supposed to be funny when it was made. I have the impression it was not, but maybe that's just my low opinion of people in the 60s.

The movie is SO 60s, oh my goodness. The filmmakers are excited about symbolism; they chose 'water' as a symbol and throw it in as often as possible. It feels very adolescent, like they are saying, "Look ma! Symbolism!"

I will say that Hoffman was pretty hunky in his younger years. Not bad, him lounging around in the pool. He puts on these huge sunglasses and he looks very Tom Cruise.

His performance as the awkward college graduate in his parent's house was SO awkward, it pre-shadowed his performance as the autistic in Rain Man. There was no mistaken he was a fish out of water...Oh look! Symbolism!

Anyway, this is a great funny movie, even it they didn't know it was funny when they made it.

November 08, 2003

Human Stain- the movie

SO, I've read the book and loved it. Movies have a tough act to follow, when they are first great books.

And the story is very complicated. It's easy to say on paper, "He was a black man passing as jewish" It's harder to find a real life person who can do that. I confess, I was very leery of Anthony Hopkins as the lead.

But you know, I really really liked the movie. Hopkins did a great job. The movie was not a disappointment at all. It's a great movie, a movie that says things people ought to think about.

And I will say I really really want to see more of Wentworth Miller. MMMmmm MM!

November 07, 2003

home school

I thought I had posted this already, but it looks like I haven't.

So, If it's a rerun, I'm sorry:

Homeschool story

It was a typical day at work, trying to get things done. A salesman was on the phone, and he wanted me to think we were best friends.

"Hello, this is Murphy."

"Hi, how's everything going? I just wanted to call and check in."

Times were tight, and the sales folks were getting desperate for some business. Fine, I guess if he wants to chat me up for a little bit, I can spare some small talk.

"Did you have a nice New Years?" he asked.

Oh yes. New Years is always special for me, because it is my birthday.

"Oh really? Oh man! My birthday is in January too. You must have been just like me, behind everyone else in your class in high school. Last to get your driver's license and everything."

Umm...Not really.

"No? I was always the last one. You weren't? How can that be?"

Why does this happen to me? I should lie. I should just lie and say, "Oh yeah, always behinds the thousands of other kids who were a normal age in my big fat normal high school."

I do not lie well. Note to self: practice lying so I have an out in these situations.
Too late now. That will be another day. I was homeschooled. No other kids in my high school class but me.

"Oh wow. That is so amazing." And out it came. Mr. Salesguy was homeschooling his little precious daughter. He had to tell me all about it. Suddenly, I was dishing out advice on proper education and socialization strategies for this earnest and unsure young parent.

Home schooling means you are in constant need of assurance and support. I thought I was done with that. Lord knows I do not wish to support homeschooling.

You see, the summer I was 13, my parents told me that I was going to have the unique and special blessing of being educated at home.

I wish I had heard of a hunger strike, I would have started one right then if I'd known. But there were no appeals.

My parents had always been interested in alternative education. Their 60s anti-establishment credo meant they were into all kinds of alternative things. I am the last child of four; by the time I remember anything, they had settled into the alternative lifestyle of working in a born-again church in Alaska.

They started church schools—more than one. But apparently, that was not cutting edge anymore. Homeschool was the hot education trend, and my parents wanted a piece of it.

They told me it would be hypocritical for them to lead a homeschool group and not homeschool their school age children. And as the youngest, I had four or five good years left to be an example.

I didn't see it that way at all. But my pubescent persuasive powers were not up to the debate, even though I used them at every opportunity to get out of this solitary confinement. Actuallly, it was worse than solitary confinement. I would be stuck with my dorky older brother.

But the homeschooling parents in the church and the outside community flocked to my parents. They were like pigeons coming the sweet old lady on the park bench. Mom and Dad were swarmed with people who wanted a real teacher—and my parents had been teachers all their lives—to tell them they were doing okay.

There were a lot of people in Alaska choosing to keep their kids at home. The majority had young children, kids just learning to read, first- or maybe second-graders. Mostly there were a few kids in each family, so the mom had to teach several grades at once. And it was always the mom who taught.

But dads were not unaffected by this lifestyle choice. While dad is away at work, the kids and the mom work each other into a frenzy of exasperation fueled by a combination of boredom and the Chinese water torture of unrelenting family togetherness.

No family member went unpunished.

But a collective was being formed! A resource for homeschool families, in the form of support meetings, standardized testing and monthly outings for the kids. Mom and Dad were the fount of wisdom, the experienced ones who could answer questions and generously dole out reassurances and affirmations.

Parents who choose to homeschool quickly realize that teaching your kid one-on-one at home takes a lot less time than the 6- or 7-hour day of the traditional classroom. This gives many of them yet another reason to be scornful of schools. “Why should my child waste 3 or four hours a day just because the other kids in the class aren’t as smart? They don’t need to deal with that!”

What do the schools do with that extra time? Three hours more a day than is really required for the individual children to grasp the necessary subjects.

I will tell you what they teach: how to deal with other people. That’s fifteen hours a week that mainstream kids are spending learning to interact with other kids and the teachers. And fifteen hours a week that homeschooled children are not learning to interact.

It’s no shock to figure out, Homeschool kids are odd. If you’ve ever been around one, you know what I mean. I speak from the inside, as one of the weird ones. It took me a long time to figure stuff out that other kids just seemed to know.

My parents had begun their collective, and the first support group meeting was set. We’d been pressed into service to clean the house. Little snacks and drinks were put out, and we made room for the snacks that others would bring. I couldn’t imagine a more boring evening than sitting around with a bunch of adults talking about educational strategies. I figured I would hide out in my room with a book until it as time for the snacks.

DINGDONG. The Smiths had arrived. Oh, and they brought their two precious daughters. Welcome, come it!

DINGDONG. Oh, it’s the Franklins! And little Franklin jr., come in!

DINGDONG. Oh it’s the Jordans and their children.

DINGDONG. The Mergendorfs and their brood.

DINGDONG. DINGDONG. DINGDONG.

A growing assembly of little kids was pooling.

The adults were greeting one another graciously and congratulated one another on this first support group meeting.

“Oh, I’m so glad we are doing this! We’ve really needed it!” Their children, the darlings of their hearts and focus of their lives, were deposited at the door and forgotten.

They immediately began to swarm to me, an incredibly unwilling Pied Piper. I was the Big Kid, standing out like a pillar in a sea of weird little kids.

“Let’s play! Where are your toys?“

I knew these kids, and I wouldn’t trust any of them near my toys. Besides, I was 13 and I didn’t play with toys anymore.

I needed out of there. “Mom!”

I jolted her out of her deep discussion with the other homeschool ladies. “What? Oh, honey, go watch the kids for a while. The adults really need to talk with one another.”

There was no escape. Without parental backup, I would not be able to fend off these kids. The book that beckoned from my room was far out of reach. No way was I taking even one of these kids into my room, let alone a horde of them.

I led them down to the den. They were easy enough to lead. If the parents were starved for conversation, the kids were even more so. They didn’t get to see one another very often; they began chattering the moment they saw each other. I just grabbed one and led him down the stairs. The rest followed like a dish of paperclips strung together.

My brother was there already. There wasn’t much down there. A table made of railroad ties that we used for school, the bottom half of a bunk bed, and two freezers that held all the salmon and moose meat we could get.

There was a lot of room to roam free. The door was heavy, and once you closed it, you couldn’t really hear what was going on from the outside. The parents asked us to close it right away.

Sealed in a room with more children than I could count. All of the kids, used to the undivided attention of their mom, clamored for the undivided attention of every other person in the room. The pent-up conversation spilled out in a cacophony of sound. And every kid began to exert him or herself to impress everyone else.

Social status was at stake. They only had this one chance. Who knew how long it would be before they saw their friends again/ They had to leave them wanting more.

I found the box of old toys my mom kept around for these occasions. The little monsters dove in. Immediately, matchbox cars were running races on the floor. Architectural structures were raised and exploded. The girls gave stuffed animals names and acted out their fantastic lives, dressing them accordingly.

The kids were on the table, under the table, on the bed and looking in the freezer. “Hey what do you have in your freezer” Anything good?“

“Stay out of there!”

“I’m just looking!”

Some of the kids were more creative than others. The outgoing ones instructed the rest on how the project would be done. How the road would be built, the tower raised, which story to play.

But other outgoing kids had to get the attention back on them. An older kid, 10 years old, decided the hollow steel tube of the bottom bunk bed post was a pedestal.

"Look at me!" he said. He balanced one foot on the bedpost doing an unintentional imitation of the Greek god Mercury, his arms windmilling.

"Otis! Get off of there!" I yelled.

"Why?" he said.

Homeschool kids always ask why. The classroom doesn’t stifle their natural curiosity and it's need for restrictive rules of order.

Otis was especially unstifled. He was one of those that didn't fit in with regular schools. Translation: he couldn't read. He needed extra one-on-one attention.
His mother was always perfectly dressed. I knew very few women like her; her blond hair was always styled and she was accessorized.

Otis wasn't dumb by any stretch; I suspect that he didn't bother learning to read because he was more interested in everything else that was going on. They lived near the woods, like all of us did. He really liked the outdoors.

The first time I realized that Otis was different was when I heard that he ran a trapline. He had worked out a deal with his mom: she bought him the steel jaw animal traps, and he would try to catch enough mink to make a fur coat. He was about a third of the way there when I met him.

My brother Chris got to be friends with Otis. Chris was 15 and Otis was 10, but social beggars can't be choosers. It's a picked-over selection when you are in home school. I was 16 when our home school program put on a Christmas play. I easily got the coveted role of Mary, with all the great singing parts. Of course, I had to pay the price and be escorted in my great-with-child costume by a 5 year-old Joseph. He wore glasses.

But Otis and Chris had some similar interests. Among other things, they liked killing wild animals. Chris had wanted a gun for a long time, but our family wasn’t hunters. Many other families made a big deal about giving a son his first gun. It didn't occur to our parents to do such a thing. Chris had to save his own money and buy a BB gun.

I remember he proudly showed this gun to Otis. Otis was happy to show off his gun collection too. He had a whole array of shotguns and rifles. In fact, he was so nice, he gave my brother a present: A beautiful maple-stock shotgun with the barrel sawed off.

Chris took it home and showed it to me. He was thrilled! It was a beautiful weapon. We looked at it in detail, playing with all the moving parts. All he needed now was ammunition.

He checked out the prices on the shells he needed, but quickly realized that he couldn't afford the quantity he wanted. But he’d heard of a way around the expense: a friend of ours knew how to make his own shells. This man would take shot and gunpowder and other ingredients and presto-chango; there was a shotgun shell ready to shoot!

Chris asked mom if she could ask Paul to teach him this valuable skill. Mom thought this was a great idea, because she also thought Paul might Chris how to use a gun properly. She certainly had no idea how to go about it. Paul was happy to help out.

Chris came back from his ammunition-building lesson a changed man. He had tasted the knowledge of good and evil. In full pride and innocence, he brought his beautiful shotgun to show to Paul.

"That weapon is incredibly, incredibly illegal," Paul told him. "Take it and throw it in the bottom of the lake. Today."

It was a hard truth. "Why is it illegal?" I asked Chris. "Can't you go explain the situation to the police and get some kind of permission?"

Paul must not have mentioned the situation to Mom, because Chris held on to the gun for a few days. Call it a mourning period. I thought he might just keep it anyway, it seemed like he could get away with it. But in the end he did toss the pretty gun in the lake.

Paul was a kind-hearted man, and he gave Chris one of his own legal shotguns after the other one was disposed of. Chris was happy to have it, because he needed it to kill rabbits.

Rabbits.

One of his home school hobbies was breeding, raising, and eating rabbits. I'd started the whole thing, when my friend gave me one of her pet bunny's offspring. My brother got all fascinated, and had to get his own rabbit.
He didn't want a mutt rabbit though. He researched it well and settled on a pedigreed meat-production rabbit breed called the California rabbit. It was a cute breed, all white but with black feet, ears, and spots of black on the nose and eyes.

He began to really be a farmer about it. He had to look at the rabbits and figure out how to breed them to get the qualities he wanted. Rabbits are notoriously cooperative about breeding. He soon had quite a few bunnies.

At this level, the pennies were very important. With so many mouths to feed and all.

So he turned his scientific mind towards feeding the rabbits in the cheapest way possible. He found out the nutritional values of different feeds and got it down to a few cents a pound for feed.

But the rabbit hobby gave Chris yet another opportunity to tan a hide. This time he did not use Sourdough starter, He got some directions, I think from the library, on how to tan rabbit hides.

Apparently, the process involved battery acid. This was delightful! Aside from the wonderfulness of getting to play with battery acid, Chris realized that we had a ready supply of the stuff in our front drive yard!

My father’s habit of never spending more than a thousand dollars for a family car had left our driveway with a few automobile corpses. Battery acid comes from car batteries, so Chris told Mom that he wanted to take one of the batteries out of the old cars and use that for his tanning process.

Mom was quite unreasonable about the whole thing. She absolutely forbid it.
So Chris had to buy new battery acid. He kept it by the side door, the one the family always used. He showed it to me, and warned me. “Be careful,” he said. “This can burn the skin right off you.”

“Really?“ I was impressed. “What do you need it for, then?“

“You have to have it to tan hides.”

I could see the sourdough tanning method had been abandoned. I never thought it would work anyway, so I didn’t bring it up.

He did manage to tan one hide, and brought it in to the fur trader in Anchorage.
“If you don’t know furs, know your furrier. David Green’s—you’ve got a friend in the fur business.” We grew up with these commercials, and Chris went in to sell his fur to David Green’s. He was disappointed to learn that he would only get a dollar for the rabbit hide, tanned or not.

Tanning took a lot of work! And it was fur! Wasn’t it worth more than a dollar? But our friend in the fur business said no—one rabbit hide, one dollar.

So, the battery acid was abandoned in its ominous container by the door. Chris got the same price for dried hides. No more tanning.

But drying the hide was not effortless. A new process had to be created.

Our big house had been made with four split-level floors. The top floor was meant to be the master bedroom, with it’s own bathroom and in-room Jacuzzi tub.

Before we moved in, Mom was so excited about the Jacuzzi. But the third time she used it and discovered that the water jets leaked. Visions of dry rot and decay floated through my parent’s minds, and the Jacuzzi was decommissioned.

Around about the same time, my folks discovered that the master bedroom had no sound inhibiting barrier between it and the floor directly below. That floor had the living room, kitchen and dining room. Given that they enjoyed their marital privacy, they moved to a smaller but more private bedroom. The top floor became our classroom.

A classroom with a big white Jacuzzi tub against the wall. What can you do with a Jacuzzi that no longer jacuzzes? My brother knew. Drying the rabbit hides required soaking in a saline process for a few days.

Fill the Jacuzzi with salt water and soak rabbit hides. A formerly useless item revitalized! Wouldn’t Martha Stewart be proud?

As he discovered, a dollar made a good dent in the feeding costs of his rabbit horde. He diligently processed and sold his hides.

It occurred to him that other rabbit by-products could be profit centers as well. As a matter of fact, underneath the cages he was accumulating a large pile of rabbit by-product.

“This is valuable fertilizer!” he would tell us.

No one disputed that, but no one wanted to pay for it. But Chris was carried away in his own sales pitch. He was convinced that rabbit droppings were a marvelous fertilizer, and set out to prove it by growing things.

He converted a patch of our untamed backyard into tilled land. We had a mightily productive garden, full of the kind of winter crops that grow in Alaska”s summer. Carrots, potatoes, and brussel sprouts so exuberant they were inedible, occupied a decent-sized patch of the otherwise feral vegetation.

But our front yard was untouched. That is, until the government put in the gas line. They had the easement of our front yard, and chopped down a swath of the graceful slow-growing birch trees that had been there for years. My father walked the ground sadly observing the hewn trunks.

My brother saw opportunity.

Remember that one Star Trek Episode with the Fuzzy Tribbles? The little puffballs that eat everything and reproduce like mad? A true Trekkie might also remember that the grain shipment these Tribbles were feeding on was called Quadro Triticale. Quadro Triticale is a fictional kind of grain.

But my dorky Trekkie brother discovered that Triticale was indeed a real kind of grain, and he thought it would grow very well in the newly cleared patch of land in front of our house.

He worked hard; I’ll give him that. He finished clearing the dirt, and tilled it up with a hoe. He found some Triticale seed, and planted it up there. He really hoped it would work, and the rest of us were curious to see what it would look like.

Picture this: a big cedar front home, set back from the road by about 40 feet of virgin birch forest. At the edge of this forest, a little two-foot deep border of goldening grain gently waved in the breeze.

This is the sight the greeted my oldest brother’s girlfriend as he drove her down from the big city Anchorage to meet his folks. Remember? There were four kids in this family, and two of them escaped the homeschool blessing. I think Chris was about to graduate. Bryan, the oldest was in his mid-twenties by then, and terribly pleased with Karen.

As they drove into our driveway, Karen leaned over and asked Bryan, “Is that wheat growing around the front yard?“

He escorted her up to front door. Chris answered the doorbell brandishing a bloody butcher knife. He had on a rubber apron with blood all over it too; he’d been butchering his rabbits.


Mom rushed up the stairs, “Oh Karen, it’s so nice to meet you. Chris,” she said offhandedly, “Go put those rabbits away and get cleaned up.”

Karen barely had much of a chance to say pleased to meet you before the rest of the clan gathered to say hello and give her the tour of the house.

“Well, let’s start at the top,” Mom said, and we trooped up the stairs. “This used to be the master bedroom, but we converted it to a classroom.”

“Oh, Look!” Karen said, “A Jacuz…“ She stopped short as she leaned over and saw the hairy and slightly bloody hides floating inside. “Um…What are those?“

“Oh,” mom laughed her hostess laugh. “Those are just Chris’s rabbit hides. Let go downstairs now.”

You know, which came first? The weird homeschooled kids, or the weird parents who would choose to homeschool kids? I will say this; none of us had any idea of the strange impression we made on outsiders.

Karen did end up becoming my sister-in-law, and she told me her version of this first meeting later. It was very different than how I remembered it.

It’s a long climb from the woods to the desk job. But Mr. Salesguy and his little precious daughter shot me right back to the woods. All I can say is, think very seriously about it sir. You may not like the system that is already in place, but you don’t know the consequences of the system you’re about to try.

November 06, 2003

creative

I am feeling the urge to spend most of my life energy on being creative. Most of my life energy right now is spent on my job, which is no longer creative.

I know that I should be practical, but I would rather be doing those things that burn in my breast. I am not excited by anything I do at work anymore. Challenged, just a little. It's good to use the ol' brain muscle every once in a while.

But there is a better use of my head than what these attorneys are using it for. I have my own ideas of how to use my head.

There are a number of creative types here. We all share that look-down-at-the-floor-and-raise-your-eyebrows-while-you-sigh realization that the bills come every month regardless of the burning in your bosom.

One guy is an actor, really with parts in things and stuff. He works early mornings and weekends. He has a SHIFT and does not have to stay beyond it.

One other guy is a musician. He was working and working so hard he finally put his foot down. He said, "I cannot work these hours. Change it or I'm leaving."

He left.

But they negotiated, and he came back, part-time and paid hourly. But the hours are more and more not-so-part-time.

I am thinking of something like that too. Yes, lucky me, I am paid hourly. At least I am paid for every minute this job takes me away from myself.

But the hours are getting too long for doing something I don't care about. 50+ hours a week. And with the bus strike, I am having to DRIVE to work. There is not enough head space to let my creativity reach critical mass and release itself.

It seems like I am gonna have to start getting creative about finding a way to get creative.

November 05, 2003

I watched the sun rise

It was a work induced viewing, but a beautiful sight nonetheless. Through the smog, the entire flaming circle is visible, with streaks of smog making it darker.

It seemed like somehting that couldn't be real.

November 03, 2003

day two AWOL

So, there's this new guy. He was hired a couple weeks ago and seems nice enough.

But he didn't come in last friday. And he didn't call to say why. And he's not here today either and he hasn't called.

Here's a situation. What should we do?

It happens the boss was out last friday. He's in today, and I'm the one that called attention to the absence. Boss knew nothing about it.

He starts asking everyone if they had heard anything.

Here's the funny bit: The guys all start backpedalling and trying to cover for the new guy..."Oh he said he might not come in on friday"

funny. So the boss calls the home number.
"Oh, this is not really where he lives, I will try to find out a better number for you."

wow. This is new.

Now, I hope nothing is wrong. I suspect nothing is wrong.

But if nothing indeed is wrong, then what's up with all this helping the guy cover up?

My upbringing was NEVER lie, NEVER try to get away with anything, and NEVER help anyone who was doing the above.

Good little Christian school children are taught that if they do anything, even the SMALLEST thing wrong they are sinning and deserve to go to hell, in fact they WILL go to hell if they don't repent and have Jesus in their heart.

And if you cover up for your friend, you are not being a true friend because you are just helping them GO TO HELL!

So pretty much, there was a mad dash to tell on anyone that did anything wrong.

This is yet another example of how Christian schools do not prepare you for the real world.

In this real world that I now inhabit, it seems that there is an unspoken understanding that you cover for the guy. I didn't know that you could get people to cover for you under these kinds of circumstances. This means that I can be a lot more cavalier about my duties, should I ever decide to be cavalier.

But I wonder why people cover for other people? is it in the hope that they will in turn be covered?

I guess. You never know when you will screw up or slack off somehow and need people to help you out. I screw unintentionally sometimes, no way around it. But to intentionally screw up. Wow.

I have never trusted people to help me out. I always assumed there would be the mad dash to tell on me.

That's what I was raised with.

Interesting.

November 01, 2003

Dia de los Muertos

Today is All Saint's Day. All Hallow's Day, which comes after Hallowe'en.

Today is the Day of the dead, a mexican Holiday. My friend loves the day of the dead, she and I are going to go to a celebration this afternoon, a dia de los muertos party.

"This is pretty much my favorite holiday!" she told me.

I had been reading websites she'd sent me and asking questions about this whole celebration. I am still taking it on faith somewhat, that this is a joyful occasion. I tend to prefer joyful occasions to sad ones.

After her little outburst, I paused. Her favorite holiday?

"Do you know anyone close to you that has died?"

"No, not really," she answered.

"I have," I said. "I actually know a lot of people that have died."

So yesterday, in preparation for the celebration today, I tried to remember everyone.

How many is a lot? I asked another guy I know if he knew anyone that had died. He was from Ireland; I thought maybe he'd had some friends die in the troubles.

He told me this story:

it's kind of funny, you know? My teacher, in the equivalent of what would be high school talked to us about this. He stopped us, and told us that statistically speaking one of us would be dead before we reached 30.

And you know, it was only a year later, that my classmate Sean was in America and he was caught in a fire and killed. So what the teacher said came true, almost right away. It's kind of amazing like that.

That was his story. Statistically speaking, we tend to drop off. I wonder if his teacher wanted them to be more careful?

THe day of the dead is supposed to be a day where you remember and tell stories about the ones who have passed on.

THere are so many, but maybe I can try.

My first brush with death is something that happened when I could concievably be so young that I don't remember it. And in fact I don't. But I do remember the effects of it.

I was three years old, maybe four. My parents had loaned our car, I don't know why, but they had loaned our yellow VW bug to a family that lived up the street. They got in a car accident. The mother and the oldest son died. THe car was totalled.

I remember little Heather, the youngest daughter, who was a year younger than me. I remember my mother bringing her over to play with me a lot. And I remember my mom telling me to be nice to her.

But what I remember most is the new car we got out of it. The father of this family bought us a huge station wagon, the kind that's made to look like the sides are made out of wood.

I clearly remember the arrival of this car, and my amazement that someone would give us a car for a present. Later, thinking about it, I put the pieces together.

I remember when the grandmother of that family died, several years later. I remember I was maybe ten, and they were describing the kind of cancer she died from. It made me think of stalactites on her insides, that grew until she was completely filled and had to die.

We had left to move to California for a little period of time, and then moved back to Alaska. During the California stay, I made friends with this great girl, she was a little older than me, but we were very silly and had lots of fun. Back in alaska I wanted to find her, have her address and write to her.

I found out she had died, but in this bright-flame-soon-put-out kind of way. It had a huge impact on the community, saved her sister from some awful dysfunctional relationship, etc.

That made me feel very serious inside for a while.

Grandma Mary died in there somewhere. I remember my father getting the phone call. That was it. That one was very mysterious. I like Grandma Mary. She was really nice and gave good presents, like fun board games. But we were far away and didn't see her very much. But she was dad's step-mother, since his mother had died when he was five. Mary had come into his life when e was 11 or 12, and I really don't know his feelings about her. I think the animosity was towards his dad.

But that one was remarkable only for it's lack of impact.

Who's next? let's see...THere was the baby that died at birth, my friend's mother had this little baby. THe family was so sad and devastated. They seemed like nice people. The mom was pretty nice. My friend was a little weird. As I later figured out, the mother had been a prostitute, and the daughter, the oldest had been involved. Don't get me wrong, the daughter was well under 10 years old when this was happening. She had some trouble adjusting to the new life in church that the family became involved in.

Us girls, ages 12-15 or so, had a little trouble knowing what to do with Tara's stories of her mother sending in the men to her room to "do what they wanted". None of us were allowed to kiss the boys we liked, and Tara's stories seemed incredible.

The poor little child, the baby dead at birth seemed to weigh Tara's mom down with immense and almost unbearable grief. THe family had three or four children at the time, and i watched her with amazement.

I remember asking Tara, after the funeral with the very small coffin, "Are you sad?" I didn't know what I felt. I was wondering what she felt.

But the most popular girl in our pathetic little group turned on me with a veangeance. "WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT? Her sister is DEAD, what do you think she feels? OF COURSE, she's sad."

I tried to defend myself, "Well, she didn't have very much time to get to know the baby."

That did not fly at all. I just kept my mouth shut the rest of the funeral.

Then there was that other time, that the church held a funeral for someone that only came Christmas and Easter. There is a saying about faithful churchgoers: "At the church whenever the doors were open."

Boy oh boy, that was us. The doors were open, and even though it was a funeral for someone we didn't know we were there. It was a most interesting experience, everyone sayign nice things about this woman. I don't know how she died.

There were a lot of people. Maybe the pastor asked people to show up and pad out the seats, I dont know. But there were a lot of people that knew the poor woman too. It turned out that the ladies who taught me ice skating very briefly, for the short period of time we could afford it.

"Did you know her?" they asked me. They had been talkign to one another and beign very somber and sad.

"Not really, I'm just here because it's my church." This seemed an incredibly inadequate excuse for my presence. "But from listening to the service, I really wish i had known her, " I fumbled.

TO BE CONTINUED